Originally published on Rooted.
Twenty-three years after the premiere of Naruto, a specially themed kids’ meal promotion has arrived at Burger King — packing an action figure gacha-game that stars seven fan-favorite characters, plus Konoha’s Number One Hyperactive, Knucklehead Ninja.
Like Naruto Uzumaki, and his fervent dream to become Hokage, I won’t quit until I’ve acquired every shinobi in the set. Dattebayo! Believe it. ➡️
🔗 Keep reading on Rooted.
Check out the full piece at SOS: Satire or Something.
“Trump administration mulls payments to sway Greenlanders to join US.” — Reuters.
Trainers of Kanto, members of the press, and Jigglypuff holding a microphone:
For too long, we’ve watched our provincial neighbor, Johto, languish under outdated governance while sitting on strategically vital territory. Meanwhile, your home, Kanto — the original region — stands Frozen without an Ice Heal as our tactical position erodes.
The time has come for the peaceful, permanent, and immediate integration of Johto into the United Territories of Kanto. ➡️
Originally published on Jane Austen’s Wastebasket.
As stewards of semiotics and custodians of the English language, we, the Coalition of Concerned Linguists, must convey our consternation regarding Dictionary.com’s decision to anoint “67” as Word of the Year. ➡️
Originally published on Slackjaw.
Following last year’s spiritual intervention, I’ve learned the joy in tolerating others — and preserved only this single vindictive tradition. Brace yourselves, warbling wastrels, because the ledger is open. ➡️
Originally published on Slackjaw.
Congratulations on your commitment to optimized self-care — with your purchase of an all-inclusive, all-invasive Oura Ring Fitness-Tracker Piercing. Here’s what besties chasing their best lives need to know.
What are Fitness-Tracker Piercings?
In collaboration with Oura Ring, Claire’s innovative wellness wearables are now available at abandoned malls nationwide. Packed with high-tech features in every rhinestone, these bedazzled fitness trackers can record your weight, workouts, and general well-being. Acutely. Accurately. Eternally. ➡️
Originally published on Little Old Lady Comedy.
Across capitalists and carnivores, one axiom remains constant: steak equals status. While the rich dine on Porterhouse, the poorhouse splits a bottom round.
Between layers of marbled beef, the USDA Standard male seeks wealth, influence, and a taste of masculine validation. Normally, this coming-of-age baptism is best performed at your local Outback. But for the common man trapped by carnal instinct, a more affordable delicacy is now available.
Arby’s Steak Nuggets. ➡️
Originally published on Robot Butt.
Completely unprompted and out of the charitable nature of our red, white, and blue-branded hearts, (certainly not a kneejerk reaction to a drastic slump in quarterly sales), Tylenol is excited to extend a heartfelt season’s greetings in the form of a new, limited-edition capsule that cures seasonal depression as surely as it does not cause autism: Pumpkin Spice Tylenol. ➡️
