Check out the full piece at SOS: Satire or Something.

1. Ready, set, set, set, set, set, set, set, set… GO!

2. Scooch your pooch.

3. Toot, toot! Up you boot.

4. Boom, clap, and now we stand up!

5. In the voice of my Little League coach, Mr. Davis: That’s my ace.

6. Three… Two… One… Zero… Negative one… Negative two… I’m bored of counting—negative infinity, fine, Jesus, I’ll get up. ➡️

🔗 Keep reading on SOS: Satire or Something.