Check out the full piece at SOS: Satire or Something.

1. Asking how much weight I’d need to gain to tip the scales.

2. Presenting a food journal of every Hostess product I’ve consumed this year, along with an addendum of DoorDash receipts.

3. Suggesting we go halvsies on the prescription and split the injections 60/40.

4. Giving her a Zoom tour of my pantry—stocked with nothing but saturated fats.

5. Joining every telehealth appointment from my reserved booth at the Golden Corral buffet.

6. Jiggling my paunch at the camera like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause (“Does this look like a little weight to you?”). ➡️

🔗 Keep reading on SOS: Satire or Something.